my things are already packed up in a pretty strippy box that is sitting unobstrusively on the floor.
but somehow i just cant bring myself to pick it up and bring it home.
i guess that action on my part would mean actually coming to terms with the current state of things and acknowledgin the end of it all and a large part of me is not sure if i am ready to take on an empty room.

feel like a caterpillar locked up in a cacoon. wraped up in the security of darkness as around me things continue moving continue changing, oblivious to my absence.
however, every caterpillar becomes a beautiful butterfly and i seem destined to simply continue hiding in this shell that i have spun for myself.

so i've come to the end of my roller coaster ride
and i am spent.
my legs are still pretty much wobbling and the world around me spinning
but i am unfortunately grounded.

d was talking to _ last night and she said
"theres no use crying over something that you cannot change"

i often question the certainty of the end
and ask myself if there really isnt anything that i could have done different or anything else i can do to avoid the end
but as much as the heart is screaming otherwise
my heard is well aware of how inevitable the end is

i more than free fell
i just got flung forcibly to the ground.

happy birthday Xavier and Angelo
i LOVE you guys

if something we never knew we had disappears do we miss it?

would you miss me if i were gone?

sitting at my desk i hear the persistent humming of the air conditioner
and as my fingers fly across the keynboard and the clicks of the alphabets fill the room i think about how strange it feels to finally be back here again.
its comforting without a doubt to be back in the familiar comforts of my four walls but somehow
i feel misplaced.

theres like this vice like grip around my heart
and its tightening its claws around me making it hard to breathe
unwillingly the hot tears spill from my eyes and trail down my cheeks.
i'm not sad really
i'm still half way up the sky among the birds and my pretty clouds
maybe its just because i know that its almost time to return to the ground.

free falling and not sure i like it.

the views never been more lovely
the sun beaming down on me from above
fluffy clouds drifting casually across the azure blue sky
the wind gently brushing across my skin.
and i feel that i am soaring high \
floating gently suspended in time.

i never want to wake up again
unless you are right there with me.

terribly hung over and i am enduring a "reading off the slides" presentation that is excruciating in itself
made worse by the trobbing in my head
heavy eyelids
and the knowledge that someone is waiting impatiently for me at home
i am dying to simply spring off my seat and leave.
but i cant.
because i am next.

despite all the fun i had last night
i think i am sworn off zouk on a wednesday night.
not worth the sardine fest
and having hoards of sweaty bodies pushed against you.
the blinking lights
pounding bass beats
occasional bursts of smoke
and the perpetual smell of nicotine intermingled with sweat
enough to give anyone a constant high.

their presentation is fucking thirty minutes long.
did i ention that its still going on?

i woke up with this nagging thought at the front of my mind that refused to go away.
even singing riduculous songs couldnt keep the sound of those words replaying itself in my ears.
forcing my eyelids shut do nothing to keep that image out of my mind.

i wish i hadn't been inquisitive
i wish i didnt care
i wish that your sweet words would have been enough to dispel all that uneasiness and discomfort that i am feeling.
but it doesnt.

to put the icing on the cake
i havent a right to be this way
because simply, i have been worse.

The wind simply kept billowing and we sat huddled up in our chairs with our jackets wrapped as tightly around us as it would go
but still the wind was relentless and simply kept coming at us the whole night
the stars glittering in the distance desipte their resplendent beauty offered no respite from the cold and i was inclined to simply just leave my head inbetween my knees to keep my ears warm and to block out the sound of the howling winds

maybe it was the thought and image that kept lingering in my mind
maybe it was simply weariness
or maybe it was just the cold
but the place for me seemed for me to have almost lost its lustre and glow
the magic fairy pixie dust gone away

my 2nd blood donation drive. (:
the highlight of my sunday morning

i painstakingly built myself a staircase up to the clouds
in my dreams i could run my fingers through the soft bales of cotten, catch the sunlight before it hit the gound
see its soft glow in my eyes and feel the gentle warmth on my skin.
but she came along with a bulldozer and simply knocked my delicate ladder to the ground
crushed the debris beneath the wheels of that monsterous machine.
and all thats left is dust.
no evidence no trace of all that there was

the only picture is the dream that i have in my heart
but even that she has robbed me off
taken a pin and burst the bubble that exploded in my face with a resounding bang.

i wish i could tell you
but i guess you already know

thank you.